I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
