my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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