I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
