I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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