Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
