; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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