he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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