my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
do herpes really smell.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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