thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
