Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize