Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
