Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
