you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
