Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
