Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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