Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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