what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
