lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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