Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
