She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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