dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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