I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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