Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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