Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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