I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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