If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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