I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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