You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
