every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
