Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
