i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
