you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
