i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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