YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
