it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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