I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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