i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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