just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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