I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
