i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
