I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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