everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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