Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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