I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
