he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
