Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
