I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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