Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
