I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
