I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
