She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
