Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
